Oh mai... This is new...

(*gives Chirpy a catnip EJ plushie* 070)

(*shakes head, and instead smushes head against Blueh* I kinda just wanna cry.

And my friend wants to see me tomorrow or Wednesday... but she doesn't even know about the thing with my brother because I didn't wanna tell her, because it happened around her birthday, so I said nothing. And now she's gonna want to see me and I'm probably going to cry the moment she walks into my house, because I feel like a shitty friend for laying so many of my problems on her over the years. She was with me through years of abuse, never knowing about it until just two years ago... because I never wanted to trouble her with it.

And I just feel sad. And kinda worthless. I dunno why I have these feelings today but I do... and I hate myself because I know my brother hates me. He does... he hates me. I know it. And it's hard to remember the little boy he was, once upon a time, and now look at him and know that I can never have that brother back. Because he loved me once... once, we would be small and hide together when there was a thunderstorm, and he'd promise to protect me, and then the days came when he just utterly betrayed me.

How am I supposed to hide that from my friend, but how am I supposed to tell her? I'm afraid she's going to lose me the way I lost my brother... to sadness and anger and self-hate and emotional distance...

And I'm just so sad today, and my chest hurts. It hurts to feel like I lost someone when he's still alive and comes to get his stuff from the house every now and then, but it feels like he's really just gone. Like he has been for years, and I'm only now realizing it. I miss him so much...

I just wanna cry and not go to sleep because the only dreams I've been having are bad ones... and it sucks because it's hard to tell people I love them when I'm like this. I just sit there quietly when they tell me they love me, like somewhere in the back of my mind I'm asking "why?"

*curls up on the couch and just cries* Someone just needs to save me from myself, because I cannot say anything nice to me right now... ;~; ... *realizes I ranted but gives up on the idea of keeping it short and sweet*)

(Chirpy if you need some time to yourself we'll understand. I know the feeling of not wanting to trouble a friend, but if you're able to tell her she could help you. It might be awkward to tell her or difficult, but telling might be the best thing for you to do. *hugs Chirpy*))

(If your friend was a true friend, she would help fight those battles that you have. You aren't a shitty friend for laying your problems on her. If I was able to physically meet you, I would do whatever in my power to help you. You have no idea. But I think you do know that, even though you might not want to believe it...

I'm literally sitting here crying right now for you. It just came over me. Maybe it's also from the death of Robin Williams, but that's something completely different. I have no idea what it's like for what you're going through. I will admit that. It might make you feel like you're alone, but there are people all around you. It's like with Chase-- some people are raised with friends, rather than family. And I know that you are. I know that you probably feel guilty about your brother, and for all that has happened, but you must think about yourself. He is no longer able to hurt you like he did in the past. It still lingers, but it can only get smaller from here on out.

Tell your friend. Please. Bottling it up won't do you any good. Be honest with her. We're also here, but Sil, Pluto, and I can only do so much over the internet.)

(I can't take time for myself, as there's nothing to do with that time... Aside from talking with my friend, which would be a hell of a way for us to spend our visit together... And I know you guys are over the internet, but I do love you guys so much, and it feels right to tell you these things even if it's hard to tell others... I don't mean to make you guys feel helpless, and you shouldn't feel like that... You help more than you know. Honestly, you have more time for me than any of my friends who actually live near me.

I don't even know how to talk to Pluto right now... he sends me sweet text messages and talks about how wonderful I am, but I don't feel like that person right now... I just feel like a weak, broken one who can't stand on her own two feet.)

(I'm glad that I help, but sometimes it feels like I don't do enough. I'm just a 14 year old girl that lives in a city in Canada that has the highest cancer rates.

There are good days, and there are bad days. Tomorrow will be better, I promise.)

(I hope so. ;~; *hugs* And the cancer rate thing is depressing... and odd... and certainly some of your classic "Blueh" random trivia. I actually appreciate the random facts. You make me smile even when I'm sad. *hugs tighter* It doesn't matter that you're far away. I love you anyway.)

(Yeah... There was some history involving brownfields and chemical waste nearby... And it wasn't that long ago. But I'm glad that these random facts make you smile. I guess I have a purpose for random facts now. *hugs tightly* ;~; I love you, too. I don't regret the day that I found your post on the WFC that you're looking for a Sonic RP.)

(*pets your adorable curly hair* Well, I've calmed down a bit... And used up a few tissues. But I'm good. ;~; I'll talk to my friend, and I should probably talk to Pluto then, too, privately. I'll get to that... Thanks for hearing me out and helping me accept that I need to tell them about it, though. I'm sure they'll help me if they can, and hopefully starting school will be a good distraction.

But for now, wanna RP some oogey-gooey sweet and sad feels with me? *shoves characters together* Get emotional and lovey now, I command thee... let there be tears and hugs and kisses! *picks up my plushies to act out soap opera scenes*

Shay: NOT THE PLUSHIES.

Yes the plushies. *hugs the plushies*)

(You're very welcome. *hugs tightly* I know that Pluto would help you as best as he could, and your friend would, too. I'm here if you ever need anything.

Yes please... I need feels, too. I'm gonna be poofy, though, because I'm watching Under the Dome right now. Who should we use?

Roy: Are ze plushies necessary? >///o'

Yes, they are. X3)

Sorry about the poof Im running low on Data. You guys wanna skype for a little bit?)

(I can't right now. Sorry.)

(It's fine. I just read Chirpy's rants. Un Momento Blueh, I have something I need to do.)

(Okay.)

(*patiently waits on Chirpy to text back* I really wish she'd text me about stuff like this more often. I'm the kind of guy you can talk to for just about anything.)

(Yes, you are.)

(Yes. I ranted. oAo"

PLUSHIES ARE NECESSARY DAMMIT. *makes plushies kiss* e3e

Shay: -m-" I hate you...

So, what feels are we in the mood for? Lauroy, or stuff with my little Lelliot, or maybe even Scone or someone? I'm open to almost any feels right now. And I'm attempting to write a poem for the first time in forever. ouo" I am bad at poetry though...)

(I'm sorry... it's hard to tell the people who really care the most, because I know it'll hurt them the most to know that I'm like this. I mean, you say how great I am, but on the inside I am beating on myself for things I just can't help... My own brother hates me, so surely there is something there to hate...)

(Roy: >////o'

Alpha: .////."

I can go for some Lauroy, Scone, and Lelliot feels. ouo It really doesn't matter. I'm terrible at poetry, too, so don't feel like it sucks. ^^")

(

I feel like this is necessary here again...)

There's nothing in you to hate, Chirpy. You're brother is nothing but a blind fool if he can't see how great his own sister is.)

(And yes Blueh that is necessary. *crawls inside and pulls you two in with me* CUDDLE FEST!!! *cuddles up with both of you* ouo)

(*cuddles Pluto and Chirp* Cuddle fest! <333)

owo )

(^w^)